i avoided him again today... when i saw him at cant b b4 lecture... n i realize the reason y i was so afraid when he approached me during class tt day as i told 照射镜 last night... although we had began to tok to each other in front of others, 我还是不懂得怎样单独的跟他相处... hav no idea wat im suppose to do, to react, to... n i do think it is really me tt is building tt invisible wall between us so as to so-called protect myself... more of a nt letting myself out than nt letting him in...

i rmb tt i used to tell yan nt to avoid back then... but now, i do think tt sometimes, avoiding might be the best choice... at least, for the time being... i jolly well know tt im trying to avoid a lot of stuff, especially with regards to him, now... but i felt tt my life is gradually gg back to norm, but the norm is w/o him... i can study 313 with virus for an hr plus after lessons while waiting for xinyi... i can meet up with xinyi for lunch, tok abt old days n had a hearty meal... or even like yesterday, gg out with pals to unwind... as long as the context does nt involve him, i enjoyed it, felt happy abt it... n make me wanna treasure these friendship even more... but once i hit sth tt gotta do with him, i'll juz slump into great sadness... this is nt the kind of friendship i want... im juz nt as ready to let go as i tot i would...

im still pondering abt the thing i mentioned last night... but now, im trying my best to persuade myself nt to go, even though my mind tells me tt it is nt right... i shan't spoil the mood n celebration... quoting frm rose, "follow your heart but make sure your head follows closely after..." maybe i shld juz follow my heart n nt go then make sure my head follows closely by thinking of other alternatives... i think it will be good for everybody... but, there is always a but behind... i still haven give them any answers yet, cos 我怕我自己会后悔我所作的决定... even though i had an answer deep down in my heart...