--Evolution--

• Thursday, August 15, 2013 at 11:37 PM •

I've been battling with my inner self for the last half a year. Bro's broken marriage and uncle's death had brought me to a point where I went back to the VERY pessimistic self. A point whereby I've simply no control with my emotions, where they go haywire, just like when dad passed away 19 years before. It escalated even further when I lost Esther as a friend due to my emotional outburst, as she was a pillar of support before that. At a certain point of time, I really felt very vulnerable. I felt that nobody cared and gradually, I've lost interest in every single thing. Work had became a chore and I hated to go work every single day. Soon, it became so unbearable that I've taken leaves more and more often, and shave considerations of changing a job. I first took leave to go to ECP having the thought that maybe the sun, beach and ocean can make me feel better. It did, but only for that day, maybe a little spill over to the next few days. But at the later stages, I took leaves just to hide in my room, in my bed, under my blanket, thinking of whatnots. It got so bad that my mum actually came crying and hugging me while trying to ask what I'm thinking. Thinking back now, I was so depressed that "suicide" would be the next step if not for my mum. After spilling out to my mum and a "scolding" from Christina, I woke up from the very distant self...

Even though I walked out of the depression mode, I was still in the sad mode for quite a few months. I tried not to think of things, I walked out of circles of people which I think I'll be unhappy with at the point of time. Bro's broken marriage seems manageable after bro wanted a divorce. Uncle's death had became a distant affair after his 49th day. The only heartache that still stands is with that of Esther's. It really aches me when a used-to-be close friend kept a distant with me.I knew I had hurt her badly and I felt really regretfully. But it seems that when you are still pessimistic, the more you apologize, the more mistakes you made. I started blaming others, blaming her, giving tonnes of excuses that doesn't even fit. I wrote apology letter/text after another, making it worse each time. Just before my last letter, I decided to leave the clique that we had formed at work, the clique whereby I had a lot of good memories in less then a year. I left Esther alone, hoping that the move will lessen the torture of both of us.

It really felt like crap when I first left the clique. There's no one to talk to, no one to have lunch and no one to share my joy or pain. I was pretty jealous of Esther being able to laugh and smile initially but at the same time, glad that she is able to. Before I knew, the mixed up feelings I had for Esther had gone, only wishing that one day, she would tell me "I've forgave you".

The real turning point, I've to say, is really during my own birthday. I realize that I've neglected my life and focused on only the unhappy stuff. "Why bother, when others don't?", I asked myself. Adding on, the message that Algin had given let me decide to let go of all the whatnots and move on.

People might ask, so how am I now? Since I've decided to let go... I would say I'm neither happy nor depressed. Yes, I might be happy or sad for some stuff but usually not for long. In certain ways, I think I'm immune to certain emotions, the face I show is the same no matter how I feel. Seriously, how can I not be vexed, sad, worried when there are new problems that I've found out upon those existing ones are not completely solved? What most people know is that my bro family having problem, the inner circle (Esther included) knew that my bro is getting a divorce as his wife gets irrational when she unreasonably suspected my bro to have an affair. What people don't know is that in spite of filing divorce in progress, she gets drank almost every night. create ruckus, threaten to suicide with kids, want to use chopper to hurt my brother, ask for more money to take care of the kids but end up not doing so, etc etc etc. The custody of the kids are now with her. I worry for them. But then, the police is charging her for the intention of hurting my brother using a chopper when he is under the protection orders. My heart really aches to see the kids suffering due to the problems of the adults. Next, what people know that is that one of my uncles past away in March. What they didn't know is that his mistress (Yes, you read it correctly! He had a mistress which the whole family knows and kind of excepted it) took out a certificate of marriage on the second day of the wake. This had stunned all of us. They have their own children with their previous spouse before they came together, and had not come in mind to register to the registry. The appearance of the certificate had hurt my aunt pretty deeply. Recently, I had found out that one of my younger cousins had been earning from working part time to payoff the school fees that was supposed to be paid, but was not as her father had took them to give them to his mistress (AGAIN!). What's shocking to me is that this uncle does not fit into this image from my memory. It's saddening...

Over the months, seeing all these people breaking relationships without thinking of what his/her partner had done for them, I gradually lost faith in mending the friendship with Esther. These people had been married/together as spouses for years, yet they break their partner's heart as if it isn't there. What is it so special about our friendship, which is not even a year old, that I can mend it just because I want it? I've lost hope. I've lost. Lost an important friend due to my stupidity, because I'm weak and I can't control my emotions. I surrender.

But luckily, I don't have a boyfriend/partner now, but I'm not sure I'm ready to fall in love too. I've hurt a friend (just a friend) that deeply, I'm pretty sure I'll hurt him deeper unless he understands. And, I've already hurt so badly when a friendship is broken, I can't imagine what will have happened to me if I'm to break up with my guy...

If you ask whether I've regretted making these changes recently, I would say no. Of course, there are times of vulnerability and I had wished that I've not done these changes, especially leaving the clique. But if I've not done them, I would still be depressed now, maybe even suffering from depression seeing how serious it is back then. I would had hurt more friends, and maybe more friends might leave, just like Esther. I think Esther is back to her happy self now, without me in it. Things and everyone are going back to their normal state without me. I'm glad that they are. Just let me act invisible and be their invisible wings for the moment until I'm able to find back my own happiness and be my own invisible wings.

That I've regretted most, at this period of time, is the lost of Esther as a friend. I have to say, she was once a very important friend of mine. She was the sister when I needed advice, comforting even a hug. She was the friend during those crapping sessions. And she was the 'CCK lover' who flew kisses everywhere we chatted. I wished that we could have more time to understand each other more before I had this outburst. Because we don't understand each other well enough, we 'broke up'. Although I've lost faith in mending the friendship, but I'm still waiting for her forgiveness. 你永远是我的天后！I think this version of 天后 truly describes the feeling I have towards her...